Lucifer's Lantern

 SALT LAKE CITY. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced plans today to construct the Grand Prismatic Temple near Yellowstone National Park's Grand Prismatic Spring. The temple will serve members throughout the Greater Yellowstone region while providing worthy visitors with an opportunity to worship in one of the world's most recognizable natural settings. Church President Dallin H. Oaks announced the temple during a special localized broadcast, describing it as "another house of the Lord built to bless God's children and stand as a witness of Jesus Christ." According to the Church, the temple will be positioned directly beyond the Grand Prismatic Spring, allowing the building to be visible from much of the existing boardwalk and observation areas. Officials said the location was selected following years of planning, prayer, environmental study, and consultation with local Church leaders. The proposed site is located on federally protected land t...

     For generations, Utah has lived with a peculiar countdown. Along the western edge of the Wasatch Mountains lies the Wasatch Fault , an active fault system stretching roughly 240 miles through the state's most densely populated corridor. Scientists can't predict when the next major earthquake will occur, but they agree that another large event is inevitable.      The Utah Geological Survey estimates there is a 43% chance of a magnitude 6.75 or greater earthquake somewhere along the Wasatch Front within the next 50 years, and better than a 50% chance of a magnitude 6.5 or greater earthquake during that same period. A magnitude 7.0 earthquake on the Salt Lake City segment alone is projected to cause thousands of fatalities, tens of thousands of injuries, and billions of dollars in damage. In Utah, "The Big One" isn't viewed as a matter of if, but when . It's the disaster everyone is encouraged to prepare for, even if nobody knows whether it will happen t...

  Disclaimer: the following is entirely satire. Aaron: Did Nephites really practice Christmas? The answer might be less straightforward than you think, because critics of the LDS church have pointed out that the Book of Mormon says that Nephites were separated from the Old World centuries prior to the rise of not only Christmas as a holiday but the Christian religion as a whole. But that's what we're going to talk about today, especially because this actually turns into kind of a surprising evidence in favor  of the Book of Mormon when you actually get to the bottom of the criticism and what the actual evidence says. So Mason, did Nephites celebrate Christmas? Mason:  Uh, well, obviously, they're Christians, they don't just practice "happy holidays." Aaron, Mason, Dean: *laughing* Mason: Only joking, and it's important to note that we aren't going to know for sure what festivals developed in the Nephite civilization. Dean: We do have a good idea abo...

 A recent update to the Church’s global handbook introduced new guidance on how members should approach difficult religious and historical questions. The revision, released without a formal announcement, blends pastoral reassurance with a caution against what it calls “unproductive or destabilizing inquiry.*” *Refer to the 14 Fundamentals  and Stand Forever for further guidance  The new section opens with familiar spiritual language. “God loves His children and desires their peace,” the handbook states. “Sincere seekers will find comfort through faith, study, and personal revelation.” Immediately afterward, the update shifts toward a more restrictive tone. Members are advised to avoid “sources or discussions that may complicate testimony unnecessarily” and to refrain from pursuing “lines of questioning that disrupt faith-promoting environments.” Sources close to the handbook committee say the change reflects ongoing concerns about the volume of historical and doctrinal...

The First Presidency released a formal statement this week addressing the use of artificial intelligence among members. The letter expresses concern that digital tools have already weakened personal testimony across the church, and that AI may increase the problem if members are not “spiritually careful” with how they use it. According to the statement, leaders have watched a steady rise in faith crises that begin online. The document points to search engines, forums, and social media as the primary sources. AI is now categorized as “the next major risk,” since it can provide quick, direct answers that bypass official materials and approved explanations. To counter this, members are encouraged to use AI only for what the letter calls “uplifting and faith supporting inquiry.” The statement defines this as asking questions that reinforce existing beliefs, assist in preparing devotionals, or help explain doctrines in a positive light. Leaders warn against asking AI anything related to hi...

 In a historic move described as both inspired and innovative, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has introduced what leaders are calling the “Celestial Line,” a new generation of temple garments woven entirely from what we can assume is spiritual matter and visible only to those with eyes of faith. “This is not about fashion,” one representative said. “It’s about faith. The garments are there whether you can see them or not. The unworthy may perceive nothing at all, but the faithful will feel them daily as a constant spiritual reminder of their sacred promises.” Members will no longer receive physical garments through distribution centers. Instead, worthiness will automatically activate the invisible attire following each temple recommend renewal. Leaders have emphasized that although these garments are unseen, their protection remains absolute. “If you are living right, you will never need to ask if you are wearing them. You will simply know.” (Artistic rendering o...

  Leaders explore shared structure to address decline in participation—while eyeing potential funding from the LDS Church. Chicago, August 2025 — Representatives from several major Christian denominations met last week to explore the formation of the One Church Network , a proposed collaborative structure aimed at consolidating resources and countering long-term decline in church attendance. While the framework remains in early development, organizers hope the Network could serve as a cooperative umbrella across Protestant, Evangelical, Anglican, and some Catholic communities. The goal is to streamline administration, reduce redundancies, and restore public engagement without requiring theological conformity. However, one internal discussion has sparked cautious debate: whether to seek financial support from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. A Logical but Complicated Backer The LDS Church, with its extensive financial reserves, global infrastructure, and aggre...

Salt Lake City — August 2025 In an unexpected update to the Missionary Handbook, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has officially began allowing tattoos for full-time missionaries “when spiritually appropriate and strategically effective.” The new policy was piloted in select urban missions where traditional outreach efforts have struggled to gain traction. A press release from Church headquarters explained, “In today’s world, authenticity builds trust. If a small, intentional tattoo helps missionaries connect with those they serve, it’s worth considering.” Under the policy, tattoos are optional and require direct approval from the mission president. Final design decisions will be made on a case-by-case basis, taking into account the missionary’s assignment, intended message, and overall vibe. Elder Halverson, currently serving in the Seattle Washington Mission, received permission to get a small forearm tattoo featuring a verse from Isaiah. “It’s opened up mo...

In a formal statement released this morning, the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced that, as of today, the Church is officially and fully true. “For nearly 200 years, the Church has moved forward through continuing revelation,” said President Russell M. Nelson. “That process has brought us to this moment. As of 8:46 a.m. Mountain Time, we affirm that the Church is now doctrinally complete, organizationally aligned, and spiritually whole. The Church is true. Starting... now. ” President Dallin H. Oaks emphasized that the announcement does not deny or discredit the teachings of earlier prophets. “Everything that came before should be understood as part of what we already understood was a continuing restoration,” he said. “Today marks the point at which the gospel has officially been restored.” The Church's official newsroom confirmed that all prior doctrinal contradictions, historical complexities, and structural inconsiste...

SALT LAKE CITY — General Conference attendance skyrocketed to record-breaking levels this weekend after rumors spread that free Costco samples would be available in the Conference Center following the Saturday afternoon session. Church officials were reportedly "shocked and delighted" to see every seat filled, with lines wrapping around Temple Square an hour before the session even began. "It was truly inspiring," said Elder James Crawford. "The Spirit was palpable. I haven’t seen this many people at Conference since President Hinckley’s funeral, and even that didn’t have this level of enthusiasm." The rumors began earlier in the week after an ambiguous post on the official church website mentioned "refreshments to follow." Speculation spread rapidly on social media, with one user posting, "If it’s Costco samples, I’m driving up from Arizona." Another added, "If they’ve got those mini quiches and the chicken bakes, I’m ...

SALT LAKE CITY — The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has formally entered into an exclusive partnership with Windsor Kärcher Group, designating the Windsor Versamatic as the official vacuum cleaner for all Church facilities, including chapels, temples, and administrative buildings. “For decades, the Windsor Versamatic has been trusted by ward volunteers,” said Elder Craig L. Nielsen of the Church Facilities Department. “This decision reflects our commitment to maintaining a clean and reverent environment in every building where members gather.” The Windsor Versamatic, known for its commercial-grade performance and exceptional durability, is a dual-motor upright vacuum available in 14-inch and 18-inch models. It features a 1.6 HP vacuum motor and a separate 1.1 HP brush motor, allowing simultaneous suction and agitation for deep cleaning across high-traffic carpeted areas. The machine includes a three-stage filtration system, including a top-fill filter bag, moto...

PROVO, UT — After officially resigning from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, local resident Jared Simmons expected a significant shift in his relationships. Instead, he was surprised to find that most of his friends seemed largely indifferent to the news. Simmons, 32, had spent months mentally preparing for the fallout. “I assumed there would be some tough conversations, maybe even a few strained relationships,” he said. “I was prepared to lose some friends over this.” However, the reaction was far more muted than expected. When he told his close friend Josh about his decision, the response was underwhelming. “He just said, ‘Oh, okay,’ and moved on,” Simmons said. “I thought he’d want to know more, or at least ask why.” Simmons shared similar experiences with other friends. “I told a friend I’d officially left the Church, and she just said, ‘That makes sense,’ and kept talking about her weekend plans,” he said. “It felt like they barely registered what I was...

SALT LAKE CITY — The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has announced a partnership with La-Z-Boy to provide more comfortable seating in Relief Society rooms, aiming to create a more welcoming and supportive environment for women’s meetings. “For years, we've heard from members that the seating in Relief Society rooms was uncomfortable and distracting,” said Elder Craig L. Nielsen of the Church’s Facilities Department. “We recognize the important role that Relief Society plays in the spiritual and social lives of our members, and we want to ensure that these meetings are as comfortable and inviting as possible.” The new seating will feature padded cushions with durable, stain-resistant fabric and ergonomic back support. Each chair will also have a slight reclining function to provide additional comfort during longer lessons and discussions. The fabric will be selected in soft, neutral tones to match the existing décor in Church buildings. “This upgrade reflects...

SALT LAKE CITY — Scholars have discovered the long-lost Book of Joseph , a sacred text Joseph Smith claimed to translate from Egyptian papyri that he acquired in 1835. Thought lost after Smith’s death, the manuscript was recently found in a private collection in New York City and authenticated by experts. But the contents have left many raising their eyebrows — because it’s basically one long prophecy about Joseph Smith himself. Vignette described in 1835 by Oliver Cowdery as coming from the Book of Joseph, allegedly depicting Eve's temptation by the serpent The Book of Joseph expands on the biblical story of Joseph of Egypt, describing his rise to power, prophetic dreams, and visions of Moses and the coming Messiah. But much of the text focuses on a future seer named Joseph who would "restore the fullness of truth" and "translate records from the dust." Dr. Andrew Marshall, professor of religious history at BYU, said, "It’s remarkab...

  President Nelson Clarifies Statement on Jesus Being "Central" to the Church — "We Meant More Like a Supporting Role." Lucifer's Lantern, March 24, 2025 SALT LAKE CITY — President Russell M. Nelson recently clarified that while Jesus Christ is important, the true focus of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints remains on following the prophet. In a statement released after growing speculation about the church’s evolving emphasis on prophetic authority, Nelson explained that Jesus Christ plays a role in the church’s doctrine, but the day-to-day leadership and guidance of the church comes through modern prophets. This view aligns with long-standing church doctrine that places continuing revelation through modern prophets at the core of church governance and spiritual life. The prophet is seen as the Lord’s mouthpiece, and members are taught that sustaining the prophet and following his counsel is the surest way to align with God’s will. Church historian ...