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[Satire] Christian Denominations Consider Historic Merger Under Proposed ‘One Church Network’

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By Mason

 

Leaders explore shared structure to address decline in participation—while eyeing potential funding from the LDS Church.

Chicago, August 2025 — Representatives from several major Christian denominations met last week to explore the formation of the One Church Network, a proposed collaborative structure aimed at consolidating resources and countering long-term decline in church attendance.

While the framework remains in early development, organizers hope the Network could serve as a cooperative umbrella across Protestant, Evangelical, Anglican, and some Catholic communities. The goal is to streamline administration, reduce redundancies, and restore public engagement without requiring theological conformity.

However, one internal discussion has sparked cautious debate: whether to seek financial support from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.



A Logical but Complicated Backer

The LDS Church, with its extensive financial reserves, global infrastructure, and aggressive real estate expansion, has become one of the most well-resourced religious institutions in the modern world. According to public records and independent estimates, the Church holds over $100 billion in investment assets.

Sources close to the One Church Network working group confirm that overtures have been made—informal inquiries, exploratory conversations, and at least one early-stage funding proposal.

“There’s no question the LDS Church could fund the entire launch ten times over,” said one participant who requested anonymity. “But the concern is what they would ask for in return.”

The Theocracy Question

Multiple attendees raised concerns about the potential influence of the Latter-day Saint leadership structure, which places ultimate decision-making authority in the hands of its prophet-president and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. Some worry that any financial contribution would come with expectations of alignment—organizationally, if not doctrinally.

“It’s not just a matter of money,” said Rev. Carla Benson, one of the lead organizers. “It’s a matter of structure. Our proposal is horizontal. Theirs is vertical.”

According to one draft contingency plan, Network participants would be required to sign a “spiritual autonomy clause” if funding were received from any external religious entity. That clause has not yet been finalized.

Privately, several participants expressed skepticism that the LDS Church would contribute without significant conditions.

“We’ve heard through backchannels that President [Russell M.] Nelson is open to ‘fellowship initiatives,’” said a Lutheran delegate. “But if that translates into recognizing Salt Lake as a spiritual center of authority, then it’s a non-starter for most of us.”

A Broader Identity Crisis

For some, the LDS question is only a symptom of a deeper issue: Christianity’s struggle to remain viable in a fragmented, secular age.

“Look, the fact that we’re even considering this tells you everything,” said Pastor Glen Martinez, a non-denominational leader from Denver. “Churches are running out of people, out of patience, and in many cases, out of money. The Mormon model works—but it works because they built a theocratic corporate structure. That’s not something most of us can copy without ceasing to be who we are.”

The One Church Network proposal remains just that—a proposal. Further talks are scheduled for this fall. But as one participant put it, “We’re out of time to be picky. We need help. The question is: what are we willing to give up to get it?”

So far, no formal statement has been issued by the LDS Church. An official request for comment returned a brief reply:

“We are always open to conversations that support faith in Jesus Christ.” — Church Public Affairs Department

Whether that openness includes financial backing—or strings attached—remains to be seen.

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