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[Satire] Mormons Secretly Hope "The Big One" Will Hit

    For generations, Utah has lived with a peculiar countdown. Along the western edge of the Wasatch Mountains lies the Wasatch Fault, an active fault system stretching roughly 240 miles through the state's most densely populated corridor. Scientists can't predict when the next major earthquake will occur, but they agree that another large event is inevitable.

    The Utah Geological Survey estimates there is a 43% chance of a magnitude 6.75 or greater earthquake somewhere along the Wasatch Front within the next 50 years, and better than a 50% chance of a magnitude 6.5 or greater earthquake during that same period. A magnitude 7.0 earthquake on the Salt Lake City segment alone is projected to cause thousands of fatalities, tens of thousands of injuries, and billions of dollars in damage. In Utah, "The Big One" isn't viewed as a matter of if, but when. It's the disaster everyone is encouraged to prepare for, even if nobody knows whether it will happen tomorrow or a century from now.

    Ideally, nobody wants this earthquake to hit. But deep down, there is a tiny part of every Mormon mind that's thinking, "Okay, but if it does... wouldn't that be kind of great?"

    After all, the Salt Lake Temple has just undergone one of the most ambitious seismic retrofits ever performed on a historic masonry building. Engineers lifted the temple onto nearly one hundred massive base isolators, reinforced its walls with post-tensioning cables, strengthened the towers, and effectively gave the 185-million-pound structure a sophisticated suspension system designed to let it move with an earthquake instead of fighting against it. The building can now sway several feet while dramatically reducing the forces transferred into the stone.

    That's remarkable engineering.

    It's also the setup for what most members secretly believe could become the greatest missionary opportunity in decades.

    Because deep down, every Mormon has a fantasy.

    Not just that the temple survives.

    That it survives spectacularly.


AI generated image of the Mormon Temple standing triumphant after a disastrous earthquake

    After all, what better way to validate the claim that the Church is led by a living prophet than having the prophet announce an unprecedented renovation... only for the long-anticipated earthquake to arrive shortly afterward? 

    Nobody wants anyone to get hurt hurt, of course. The ideal earthquake exists only in the imagination: strong enough to level a few office buildings, destroy the sidewalks, and make international news, but polite enough to leave everyone unharmed while the Salt Lake Temple emerges victorious.

    Because after decades of hearing about "The Big One," it would be awfully convenient for the church if the first iconic building everyone saw still standing happened to be the one with an angel Moroni on top.

    This possibility has also reportedly become one of the greatest unspoken fears among former Mormons and longtime critics of the Church.

    Not because they expect the temple to collapse. Quite the opposite.

    They're terrified it's going to perform exactly as the engineers intended.

    Every family gathering for the next decade would somehow circle back to the earthquake. Every apologetic podcast, Instagram page and YouTube channel will be citing the survival of the earthquake as absolute irrefutable proof that this is God's true church. It is going to be the topic of discussion for generations to come. It is going to get so old, so fast.

    Remember 15 years ago when the Provo tabernacle burned down, but a picture of Christ survived? Yeah, its going to be treated a lot like that.. but it is going to be so much worse.


    Never mind that the Wasatch Fault has been studied for generations. Never mind that engineers have been warning about a major earthquake for decades. Never mind that the entire purpose of a seismic retrofit was (probably) intended to survive this exact inevitable event.

    None of that would matter once the before-and-after photos started circulating.

    And that reality is terrifying.


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