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[Satire] New LDS Temple Garments Now Visible Only to Spiritual Eyes

 In a historic move described as both inspired and innovative, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has introduced what leaders are calling the “Celestial Line,” a new generation of temple garments woven entirely from what we can assume is spiritual matter and visible only to those with eyes of faith.

“This is not about fashion,” one representative said. “It’s about faith. The garments are there whether you can see them or not. The unworthy may perceive nothing at all, but the faithful will feel them daily as a constant spiritual reminder of their sacred promises.”

Members will no longer receive physical garments through distribution centers. Instead, worthiness will automatically activate the invisible attire following each temple recommend renewal. Leaders have emphasized that although these garments are unseen, their protection remains absolute. “If you are living right, you will never need to ask if you are wearing them. You will simply know.”


(Artistic rendering of the new garment)


When asked about laundering procedures, the Church reassured members that the garments are self-cleansing through prayer and weekly sacrament attendance. “They purify as you repent,” the FAQ explains. 

Feedback from early adopters has been overwhelmingly positive. One Utah County member described the experience as “liberating,” explaining, “I do not have to explain what I am wearing anymore. The Lord knows, and that is enough.” Another wrote, “I used to forget to pack an extra set when I traveled. Now I cannot take them off even if I tried.”

“The old garments served the Saints well,” said one Church spokesperson. “But they were limited by mortal materials and mortal inconveniences. The Celestial Line removes those limitations entirely. These garments are perfect in every sense, existing purely in the spiritual realm.”

Under the old guidelines, members were instructed to remove their garments temporarily for the “Five S’s”: Shower, Sports, Swimming, Surgery and Sex. 

The introduction of the Celestial Line eliminates those exceptions. “Because these garments are spiritual,” the Church explained, “they can be worn continuously. They do not interfere with exercise, intimacy, or bathing, as they are unaffected by physical conditions. The Spirit does not perspire.”

Despite being unseen, leaders have reassured members that the garments’ protective qualities remain fully active at all times. “The righteous will feel a constant warmth and sense of divine covering,” reads the statement. “Those who do not feel them should consider personal introspection and prayer.”

Distribution centers will no longer carry physical inventory. Instead, worthiness will automatically trigger garment activation upon renewal of a temple recommend. “The system is seamless,” one source said. “The moment you are found worthy, you are clothed in righteousness, instantly and invisibly.”

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