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[Satire] General Conference Attendance Hits All-Time High After Rumors of Free Costco Samples at the Conference Center are Confirmed to be True



SALT LAKE CITY — General Conference attendance skyrocketed to record-breaking levels this weekend after rumors spread that free Costco samples would be available in the Conference Center following the Saturday afternoon session. Church officials were reportedly "shocked and delighted" to see every seat filled, with lines wrapping around Temple Square an hour before the session even began.

"It was truly inspiring," said Elder James Crawford. "The Spirit was palpable. I haven’t seen this many people at Conference since President Hinckley’s funeral, and even that didn’t have this level of enthusiasm."

The rumors began earlier in the week after an ambiguous post on the official church website mentioned "refreshments to follow." Speculation spread rapidly on social media, with one user posting, "If it’s Costco samples, I’m driving up from Arizona." Another added, "If they’ve got those mini quiches and the chicken bakes, I’m staying for both sessions."

In a surprise announcement during the Sunday morning session, President Nelson confirmed the new partnership. "We are pleased to announce that faithful Costco members who maintain a current membership card, will now be eligible for a temple recommend."

As President Nelson concluded his remarks, ushers opened the side doors of the Conference Center, revealing a Costco-branded sampling station staffed by cheerful volunteers in red aprons. 

The announcement reportedly sent shockwaves through the missionary program. One missionary serving in Northern Idaho reported that two investigators agreed to be baptized after learning about the Costco policy. "They asked if the membership would cover hot dog and soda combos," said Elder Johnson. "When we told them yes, they committed to a baptismal date right there."

Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, a known Costco enthusiast, expressed his enthusiasm for the new arrangement. "As you know, I love flying airplanes," he said, smiling. "But I also love those Kirkland brand muffins, and I can testify that nothing brings people together like a well-stocked sample station."

The newfound partnership has already inspired creative adjustments at the ward level. A bishop in Provo announced that Costco samples would replace the traditional after-meeting refreshments at ward activities. "We hope to see a real increase in activity rates among the youth," said Bishop Taylor. "Turns out, kids are a lot more excited about church when they know there might be a churro involved."

The Relief Society has reportedly begun exploring Costco’s catering options for funeral luncheons. "We’ve already made the switch to Costco croissants," said Sister Linda Callister. "And if we can get those rotisserie chickens at a bulk discount, I think we’ll finally have enough food for the next high-attendance funeral."

Following the success of the event, Deseret Book is reportedly in talks with Costco to introduce a line of "Kirkland Signature Scriptures." Early reports suggest they will be sold in a multi-pack along with ready-to-eat lasagna and a six-pack of root beer.

The next General Conference is expected to sell out within minutes, with reports already surfacing that attendees are organizing caravans to Salt Lake City. "If they have those frozen dumplings again, I’m setting up a tent on Temple Square," said one faithful member.

The partnership has also sparked increased demand for Costco memberships among inactive members. One former member, who left the church in 2015, said he is reconsidering his faith after hearing about the membership perk. "I’m not saying I’m ready to come back," he said. "But if they throw in one of those $1.50 hot dog combos, I’ll at least pray about it."

Church leaders are already considering additional perks for faithful Costco members. A leaked memo suggests that Costco cardholders could soon have access to exclusive temple endowment sessions and priority seating at General Conference. "We’re still working out the details," said one insider. "But if you’ve got an Executive Membership, you might get bumped to the front of the celestial line."

With the overwhelming success of the event, rumors are already swirling that Sam’s Club has reached out to the church about a competing partnership. "We’re staying focused on Costco for now," said a church spokesperson. "But if Sam’s Club can match the free samples and the $5 rotisserie chicken, we’ll have to take it to the First Presidency for revelation."


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