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[Satire] LDS Church Declares Windsor Versamatic the Official Vacuum of the Restoration


SALT LAKE CITY — The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has formally entered into an exclusive partnership with Windsor Kärcher Group, designating the Windsor Versamatic as the official vacuum cleaner for all Church facilities, including chapels, temples, and administrative buildings.

“For decades, the Windsor Versamatic has been trusted by ward volunteers,” said Elder Craig L. Nielsen of the Church Facilities Department. “This decision reflects our commitment to maintaining a clean and reverent environment in every building where members gather.”

The Windsor Versamatic, known for its commercial-grade performance and exceptional durability, is a dual-motor upright vacuum available in 14-inch and 18-inch models. It features a 1.6 HP vacuum motor and a separate 1.1 HP brush motor, allowing simultaneous suction and agitation for deep cleaning across high-traffic carpeted areas. The machine includes a three-stage filtration system, including a top-fill filter bag, motor protection filter, and an exhaust filter to capture fine particles and reduce airborne allergens.

Designed for long-term use, the Versamatic has an average service life of over ten years with proper maintenance. It includes a brush height adjustment dial, integrated cleaning wand, and a low-profile head that fits under pews and benches. The vacuum also comes equipped with a quick-change belt system and brush strip, simplifying repairs for Church volunteers.

The Church’s agreement with Windsor includes the release of a Restoration Edition Versamatic, which will feature minor design adjustments to meet the Church’s performance standards, including reduced noise output for temple settings, reinforced cable guards, and an upgraded HEPA filtration system.

According to the Facilities Department, this partnership will allow for unified procurement, consistent training, and a standardized cleaning experience across all meetinghouses. All newly constructed buildings will be equipped with Restoration Edition units, and existing buildings will phase out non-Windsor vacuums as they reach end-of-life.

“This is about stewardship,” said Nielsen. “The buildings we worship in are sacred, and maintaining them with care reflects our reverence for the gospel. The Versamatic has proven itself equal to that task.”

In preparation for the transition, training materials and instructional videos are being updated to reflect best practices in Versamatic maintenance, including proper bag replacement intervals, filter care, and safe storage guidelines.

Facilities missionaries across multiple continents have already begun the process of collecting data on existing vacuum inventory and scheduling replacement cycles.

“The Versamatic is more than a vacuum—it’s part of the standard we’re upholding in every corner of the Church,” Nielsen said. “This partnership ensures that standard is met, wherever Saints gather.”


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