Skip to main content
Some links on this page are Amazon affiliate links. We may earn a small commission from qualifying purchases.

There Is No Curse, Part 4: Who I Am

Image
By

I felt closer to God when I finally stopped believing in Him. 

Let me explain.

When I was a kid, I’d sit in church and listen to people talk about God as if he was real. I say “he” because God was also defined as a male, and that definition supposedly came from thousands of years of tradition. God was like me: he had feelings or grief and joy; he wanted me to be happy; he had ambition and plans for me, just like I did for myself. What a wonderful thought that a Supreme Being had me in mind!

But God was also “He.” I say that because the title implied a king, nobility, and sovereignty. God was not like me: He was omnipotent; He knew better than me; He was always in control; He wasn’t flawed like me; He didn’t make mistakes; He knew the end from the beginning. I couldn’t ultimately know God, but He wanted me to draw close to Him. 

According to the traditions I grew up in, the way we approached God was through “righteousness,” aka, doing good things and avoiding bad things. The better we got at doing both, the more of God’s love we could feel in our lives. Righteousness was the key that unlocked the door to happiness - it was what gave us permission to love ourselves. Everyone fell short, but that invitation was always there.

A Christian might notice a distinct lack of Jesus in this equation, or at least a distinct lack of "grace" in this divine equation, and that’s because, according to the traditions I grew up in, Jesus was the bridge that made it at all possible for us to make these changes - but it wasn’t a free gift, either. The metaphor usually shared was that Jesus was the one to take on all the debts we couldn’t pay, thus redeeming us from the impossible chasm between us and God, but still requiring us to work at being better people.

As I ventured into adulthood, this became a contradiction I couldn't look past. If it was impossible for me to deny my sin-nature, why was God punishing me for it? If Jesus was the Mediator sent by God, couldn’t God just forgive our debts directly? If the answer was faith and not works, then why was it that my works were precisely what was going to condemn me? Who set up this system that seemed rigged to make me fail?

As I wrestled with these thoughts, I sought solace in listening more intently to how people talked about God, and I noticed something I didn't expect. Although we all talked about God as if a real being, it wasn't as if any of them had seen or spoken with God. Sure, there were stories from hundreds of years ago about people seeing God, but even the leaders of my church were cautious not to say that they had seen God (something I find ironic as they called themselves "apostles"). In fact, the more potent the story about God’s intervention for mankind, the older the story was. We all know how the proverbial “big fish story” embellishes itself all the time - was that what was happening here?

I noticed another pattern, too. When people talked about God, it was always a reflection of themselves. God was conveniently for and against the same things these people were. If God in scripture did something a person considered bad, they'd either pretend not to see it or insist there was a "reason" to make God do it. If there was a good thing God wasn't doing, those same people would insist it was someone else's fault. There was rarely anything about how people described “God” that differed from their personal views; and conversely, there was rarely anything about people’s personal views that differed from their view of “God.” Despite supposedly being incomprehensible, God seemed to think just like people do, in spite of all the insistence that his thoughts were "higher" and "purer" than our own.

Does a historical Jesus need to feel "relatable" to you? 

Now, in my tradition - and, I imagine, in many Christian traditions - all of these concerns (and more!) could be resolved through a personal “witness” of God's perfect character through prayer, or even deeper study, or even more faith; but despite doing just that for decades, I was no closer to reconciling the deep divides I saw in the very foundation of theology. How exactly was "believing harder" supposed to correct a plain contradiction? I felt that more understanding was required, not merely more trust in the lack of it. I was increasingly convinced the answer didn't exist within my traditions - which directly contradicted its own claims to having encountered exactly those answers sometime in the distant past.

And what if that was the real truth? Maybe all my perceptions about God were really a reflection of who I already wanted to be. I was going around insisting that my thoughts and feelings had divine origins, but that was only so they could be protected from scrutiny, rather than be my authentic and fallible expressions of myself. All the traditions I had grown up were a game of telephone, constantly embellished with each passing generation until they were unrecognizable from the simple realities of living on a tiny speck of dust in a vast, silent universe.

How could we know if we're even praying to the same person?

It's not even that I stopped believing in a higher power, I just stopped believing in the "God" of my traditions. What I mean is that I rejected the need for a metaphysical Being who externally validated who I am. If there is a higher power out there, I see no reason for that being to impose arbitrary conditions on us to realize our fullest potential. If that being is perfect in its love for its creations, I see no need to justify the circumstances I inherited but rather how I learned to take the best of those traditions and to leave the rest behind in order to become who I want to be, and to see others have the same opportunity. I didn't see it as throwing away my heritage, I saw it as improving that heritage for the future.

My feelings? They’re mine. My thoughts? They’re all mine. My actions? They’re all mine. “God” was no longer incomprehensible, nor was he some metaphysical mystery - "God" is how I view the world, what inspires me, my deepest desires, my hopes and dreams. I don’t need “permission” or “worthiness” to feel that connection.

I only need to be authentically me, and those feelings will always follow.


Keep reading: Part 1    Part 2    Part 3    Part 5

Check Your Understanding:

Test how well you understood the themes in this reflection on belief, tradition, and personal identity.

1. What contradiction did the author notice in how God was described during their upbringing?




2. According to the traditions the author grew up with, what was the supposed path to feeling God’s love?




3. What major theological contradiction troubled the author as an adult?




4. What pattern did the author observe in how people talked about God?




5. What did the author conclude after decades of prayer and study?




6. What shift happened when the author stopped believing in the traditional God they were raised with?




7. How does the author now define “God” in their life?




8. What overall message does the author want readers to understand?




Category:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Mormon Blood and the Esther Cohen-Tizer-Epstein Letter

By Mason
With the recent release of nearly 3.5 million pages of the Epstein files, there have been several connections made regarding Jeffery Epstein paying tuition for several students at BYU. The most notable of which is presented in what is known as the Esther Cohen-Tizer-Epstien Letter.    Some are questioning the authenticity of the letter, but some clues seem to point us to a woman named   Esther Cohen .  Lets look at a few connections. Note that these connections are not an attempt at making any accusations and are simply connections made through publicly available information. I will be updating this page as I find more information. EFTA00129111  Reference to the Seven Bowls School of Nutrition From Esther's website: alchemyofnourishment.com (Update March 04, 2026: The site seems to have been taken down) She began studying nutrition as a teenager: Which also seems to align with her site. Alchemy of Nourishment Along with the claim of residing in Colorado Alc...
2 comments
Read

Mormon Stories Fires Back: The Core Defenses Against the LDS Lawsuit

By Mason
In April 2026, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and its intellectual property arm, Intellectual Reserve, filed a federal lawsuit against the Open Stories Foundation and John Dehlin. The complaint alleges trademark infringement, copyright infringement, and consumer confusion arising from the use of the name Mormon Stories, its branding, and its use of Church-related images.      The Church portrays the case as a straightforward effort to protect its trademarks and prevent confusion among people seeking information about the faith. Mormon Stories sees the case very differently. In its response and counterclaim , the organization argues that the Church is attempting to claim ownership over a word that belongs to an entire religious movement while using intellectual property law against one of its most visible critics. Here are the major arguments at the center of the dispute.
1 comment
Read

The Pattern of Decline in The First Book of Napoleon

By Mason
At first glance, The First Book of Napoleon: The Tyrant of the Earth  (1809) by Eliakim the Scribe (likely a pseudonym of Michael Linning) appears to be nothing more than a biblical retelling of the French Revolution and the rise of Napoleon Bonaparte. However... although The First Book of Napoleon and the Book of Mormon describe vastly different peoples, places, and historical events, both books present a remarkably similar explanation for the rise and fall of civilizations.  One of the most recognizable themes in the Book of Mormon is commonly call the " pride cycle ." Throughout the Nephite record, societies prosper when they are faithful to God. Prosperity eventually leads to complacency, complacency gives rise to pride, pride produces wickedness, and wickedness brings suffering and destruction. Affliction humbles the people, leading to repentance and a return to righteousness before the cycle begins again. Eliakim the Scribe similarly argues that political collapse is m...
Post a Comment
Read

Are You Temple Worthy?

By Mason
Temple worthiness isn’t just about "good behavior" in Mormon teaching. It’s a gate that determines who qualifies for the highest blessings the religion offers. The church teaches that only people judged worthy can enter the temple, make covenants, and receive the ordinances that lead to exaltation, which is the belief that humans can become like God and live forever with their families in the celestial kingdom.  This makes worthiness interviews a spiritual checkpoint that can shape someone’s identity, their standing in the community, and even their hope for eternity.    Are You Worthy to Enter a Mormon Temple? Are You Worthy of the Mormon Temple? Yes No Restart Enter the Temple
6 comments
Read

[Satire] Mormon Church Approves Missionary Tattoos to Boost Street Cred

By Mason
Salt Lake City — August 2025 In an unexpected update to the Missionary Handbook, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has officially began allowing tattoos for full-time missionaries “when spiritually appropriate and strategically effective.” The new policy was piloted in select urban missions where traditional outreach efforts have struggled to gain traction. A press release from Church headquarters explained, “In today’s world, authenticity builds trust. If a small, intentional tattoo helps missionaries connect with those they serve, it’s worth considering.” Under the policy, tattoos are optional and require direct approval from the mission president. Final design decisions will be made on a case-by-case basis, taking into account the missionary’s assignment, intended message, and overall vibe. Elder Halverson, currently serving in the Seattle Washington Mission, received permission to get a small forearm tattoo featuring a verse from Isaiah. “It’s opened up mo...
Post a Comment
Read

The "Mormon" Trademark is About to Expire

By Mason
 The request for Mormon Stories to rebrand has spread quickly through Mormon spaces. Followers learned that om November 14th 2025, the LDS Church had reached out with claims that the podcast was infringing on the “Mormon” trademark. The demand leaned on the legal idea that the Church owns the word.  The request was shared on social media by @mormstories, but those posts seem to have been removed. Fortunately, copies of the email were  shared on reddit. But there is a significant detail sitting behind this entire dispute. The Church will have to renew the "Mormon" trademark in the 2026 to 2027 window.  Source: USPTO database When that time comes, they must prove that they still use the word “Mormon” in active commerce. USPTO rules are clear on this point. A trademark only survives if the owner can show that it is still printed on actual goods or services that are still being sold or distributed. The official guidelines spell it out at uspto.gov under “ Keeping your r...
3 comments
Read

Do Mormons Get Their Own Planet?

By Mason
One of the most common criticisms about Mormonism is that faithful members believe they will “get their own planet” in the next life. Whenever this idea appears, the Church and its defenders move quickly to deny it. FAIR, the main apologetic group, calls the phrase a caricature: “Reducing [exaltation] to ruling a planet caricatures a profound and complex belief. Claims that Mormons hope for ‘their own planets’ almost always aim to disrespect and marginalize” ( FAIR, “Gods of Their Own Planets” ).  The Church’s official Newsroom FAQ also weighs in:   Church Newsroom, “Frequently Asked Questions” . On the surface these answers look straightforward. God does not hand out planets. Yet the very same sources go on to describe exaltation as receiving all that the Father has, which includes creative power. FAIR acknowledges that exalted beings “will share in all that the Father has including his creative powers” (FAIR) and even goes on the share a quote from church leadership which ex...
Post a Comment
Read

LDS Church Changes Temple Name Schedule

By Mason
For decades, members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who received their temple endowment on the same calendar day were given the same "new name." Since January 1, 1965, the name assigned to a patron has been determined almost entirely by two factors: their gender and the day of the month. A man endowed on the 12th of any month, for example, would receive the same name as every other man endowed on the 12th, regardless of the temple or country.  That system quietly changed in June 2026. According to the independently maintained Temple Name Oracle database , the Church has retained the same list of male and female names, but it no longer assigns them to fixed calendar dates. Instead, the names now follow a rotating sequence that changes each month. Male and female name pairs remain linked together, but the pair assigned on one date in June may appear on a different date in July.  The change means that simply knowing a person's endowment date is no longer ...
Post a Comment
Read

[Satire] Mormons Secretly Hope "The Big One" Will Hit

By Mason
     For generations, Utah has lived with a peculiar countdown. Along the western edge of the Wasatch Mountains lies the Wasatch Fault , an active fault system stretching roughly 240 miles through the state's most densely populated corridor. Scientists can't predict when the next major earthquake will occur, but they agree that another large event is inevitable.      The Utah Geological Survey estimates there is a 43% chance of a magnitude 6.75 or greater earthquake somewhere along the Wasatch Front within the next 50 years, and better than a 50% chance of a magnitude 6.5 or greater earthquake during that same period. A magnitude 7.0 earthquake on the Salt Lake City segment alone is projected to cause thousands of fatalities, tens of thousands of injuries, and billions of dollars in damage. In Utah, "The Big One" isn't viewed as a matter of if, but when . It's the disaster everyone is encouraged to prepare for, even if nobody knows whether it will happen t...
Post a Comment
Read

Where Did Joseph Smith Dig for Treasure?

By Mason
Before Joseph Smith was known as a prophet, he was known locally for treasure digging. An article written by Dan Vogel   mapped out the physical locations connected to that earlier phase of Smith’s life. Drawing from court records, affidavits, neighbor testimony, and later reminiscences, Vogel was able to place Smith on specific hillsides, farms, and riverbanks across western New York and northern Pennsylvania. Show Dan Vogel's Full Article (If you have issues on mobile, you can read the full document  here ) The article itself is a valuable asset to anybody who wants to understand the treasure digging activities of Joseph Smith. However, due to the design of the maps provided it may be difficult to immediate tell where the digs took place. Which in my opinion, may limit the sharing of his research. As such, I took it upon myself to update the map in Google Earth using Dan Vogel's research as my guide. This gives us a bit of clearer idea of w...
Post a Comment
Read
e
Link copied!