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Letter From a Daughter

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By Mason

 This came to us through our Letters from Lazy Learners form. The writer described growing up in a home where Mormon standards and family expectations were used to shame, control, and silence her. She talked about feeling punished for normal development, blamed for her own trauma, and pressured to appear obedient instead of cared for.

She tried to follow the rules. She tried to open up. She tried to stay connected.

But every step seemed to shrink her world. Her parents dismissed her pain, tightened control when she needed support, and wrapped their reactions in religious duty. She left wondering why a faith that claimed to protect families left hers feeling so conditional and unsafe.



Letter From a Daughter

I was raised Mormon

When I was younger it wasn't problematic. I was being celebrated and praised when I did the things they wanted me to do, so I craved doing them. Then little things as I got older slipped up. 

The first thing I remember that caught me off guard was when I was in elementary school in SoCal. It was really hot one day so I put on one of my tank tops. My mom and dad screamed at me telling me I was trying to show off my shoulders and that it was wrong. I was never told this rule.

 Later on, I was no longer allowed to wear short shorts when I started "developing" in 3rd grade. I was confused on why I could wear them but all of a sudden could no longer. 

As I got older, if I got too bold with what I wore (tank top) my mom would occasionally flash me and rub her breast on me to embarrass me and convince me to stop wearing them.

I remember wishing that god would know my struggle and hoping that when I hid in a vacant room at activities that someone would find me and give me one of those profound spiritual experiences because I was always told crazy stories like that. It never happened. 

In 5th grade I remember having questions about things I heard kids at school talking about. I asked them what puberty was, and they said "who told you about that!?" And I was like oh never mind. And later grown men and women at church were talking about me to my face telling me I was being sinful for thinking about bodies. All I did was ask what puberty was. (Important note not necessarily pertaining to mormonism but my parents are neglectful medically, spiritually, physically, and emotionally) in middle school i started being sexually assaulted as a form of bullying, and yes it was pretty horrific, however my lack of knowledge around the topic led me to have no idea what was going on and I had my first ever 17 day anxiety attack.

I was freaking out, BEGGING my parents to home school me without understanding why I was so scared to go to school. My parents appeared helpful to me at the time and introduced Journaling to me, which I. Still use as an outlet even today. But they didn't really show genuine concern for why I was so scared and crying and sick to my stomach while I was at school. After 6th grade we moved and in 7th grade I was still subject to sexual harassment as a form of bullying as well, I started to master dissociation, but I used to have a bunch of content on my phone regarding sexual violence and my dad ran into this content about sexual violence and downloaded all the screenshot I had on my phone and went over nearly all of them with me and when he was done he was like, "this is really bad Sarah, what have you gotten yourself into, you've been seduced by the internet, youre looking for reasons to be mad and hate men.”

“You don't have to worry about this stuff, only law enforcement and people specialized in it do.”

“You will never have something like this happening to you unless YOU'RE doing something bad and in the wrong places.” 

“I don't believe you have had anything happen to you, have you?!"

 And I was like "well boys at school kind of touch me weird sometimes" and then he heard this and went "well you should've told us" and then continued on his rant about me, not following up what I said with any concern, further questions. Nothing. From then on out I knew I wouldn't ever have told them. 

They still don't know the severity of it all. Ever since then at age 13 to even now at age 20 they've had severe restrictions placed on my phone as punishment. My personal issues around sex and sexual violence still occurred, they got worse when I turned 18 and started dating, and my parents would see me coming home as an emotional wreck after being with my first boyfriend and even still encouraged me to move to Utah for him cause he moved there for work. And so I did. Befor ei moved my therapist in lds services found out I was suicidal and found out I had phone restrictions and pleaded with my parents on my asking to remove the restrictions for my safety. And they did so for around 2 months. While I was in utah I lost it and eventually ended things with my boyfriend. I was sad, I jihad just broken up with them, idk how they heard about the break up I didn't tell them. They called me asking if we broke up and i said yes. And they asked "have you been crying" and I go "of course ive been crying I just went through my first break up" and they were like "oh welll....dont cry around the rest our our family okay? And were turning your restrictions back on." So they turned off my source for help while suicidal during my first breakup, I attempted suicide cause it was made very clear that day that they did not care about me and my personal problems. Luckily I lived with no severe aftermath. Fast forward I move back in with my parents shortly after my car breaks down and sell it. after I was out of extreme sexual abuse my mental state got much better but my physical health started declining. I only have ever missed maybe 5 days of work total, but I was reaching a near 11% attendance rate with my health. I told my parents something is definitely wrong and I needed to see a doctor. But my dad says I just need more sleep and eating better, telling me I don't need to go to a doctor. So I went in private against their will. The doctor finds I have something wrong with my heart which is still under diagnosis and that untreated can be fatal. Fast forward a year and my parents snooped in my room and found a year old negative pregnancy test I forgot to throw out and went on a massive rant about it, asking violating questions about who I've done it with, what type of positions etc. Telling me I HAD to go to a bishop. (Which I never did because what the fuck?) 

I later got in an argument with my mom where she said horible thing telling me I should’ve gotten raped instead of choosing to sin. And that she wished i was raped, and i eventually said things like "and you wonder why i dont wanna talk to you guys about anything....i dont want you in my life anymore" and she got mad at flipped me off. I think it's important to note that the entire time she was yelling the absolute ANGER in her eyes was the thing I remember the most. She genuinely looked like she hated me and wanted to kill me.And currently we have moved again out of state three thousand miles away and I’m kind of isolated out here with my new current long distance boyfriend who's treated me so well, I love him. 8 months in with him my parents accuse me of being a prostitute and of him being a pimp. And I just constantly get accusations thrown out at me.

There was a time my mom walked in my room while I was sick and missing church laying in bed and she saw that I was naked because newflash: people sleep naked" and both my parents sent me big long texts about it trying to show concern, but really there's genuinely nothing wrong with free sleeping tf. My dad in particular sent me bible verses about how women need to be pure for their husbands etc.etc. and that I needed to cook more etc. And sometimes you just have to read their texts and move on. Just so many little things about the way I was raised by my parents whose entire life revolves around LDS culture. 

My mom thinks im autistic because I dont wear makeup. (The reason i dont was because they told me i looked bad so i stopped) my dad told me I needed more makeup. And on top of that they always get really high leadership positions and are very much loved by everyone in the ward and they bond over how difficult I am to raise.

My idea about Mormon doctrine was also pushed by them.

My mother once told me women are the only ones who need to sacrifice in relationships with men, after I was confused why Ariel would give up her voice for a man. My patriarchal blessing tells ne id be a home maker and mother and that I need to make sure to learn to be clean and tidy and learn to cook etc. There's no way they weren't pushing an agenda. And my older brother was kicked out by my parents and had similar experiences of bad treatment not so much regarding sex, but just his emotional wellbeing. And I remember once my mom being on call with him and he's no longer practicing and doesn't believe either and she deliberately was on call with him and sat herself next to me (something that genuinely never happens unless I’m about to be critiqued) and I can tell she thought she had an idea that talking about why she believes it would somehow magically make me know. The truthfulness of the gospel. And my grandma lives with us and she also will randomly play hymns and church covers very obviously only when I'm near her and I also think she's trying to make me "feel the spirit" and hope this magical feeling just sweeps in my heart and I convert again. Which obviously only makes me hate it more. And it's just like I respect your beliefs, why can't you respect mine. 

I used to love the church but all I did was research things through the "authorized" website and I came to the conclusion that there's too many contradictions for it to be true. And if it was so grandiose as it claimed to be and family orientated then why is my family the way that it is towards me? 

Clearly they're not an “actively showing they love”, family.  Only a “compliant” family. 

Anyway that's all. Love ya

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